Sometimes Even Piss Is Taken For Granted

So I've been up for about 40 hours now... Ok, I'm lying. I took some naps here and there to keep myself from going crazy. I'd love to say that I've been up partying on some crazy meth binge with some members from Celebrity Rehab but life is never that good.

My vagina pee hole has been inflamed since last night, and if you've ever had the joyous experience of a UTI/bladder infection/cystitis, then you know what an awesome day I've had.

I blame myself... kinda. First, I think it started with the Carl's Jr Famous Star meal that I scarfed down. It gave me heartburn and a gassy feeling although I regret to say that I wasn't farting my ass off all night. It was more like trapped gas and I sat up most of last night trying to burp or fart or sneeze or queef, or anything to relieve the pain. This is how it started, I believe. After all, I do have access to WebMD.com and therefore I can self diagnose. Anywho, I think this trapped gas thing started the pressure on my bladder.

Secondly, my period had been lingering around for a while now. Since I don't use tampons and instead use 'Insteads' (they're kinda like plastic diaphragm cups that hold your menstrual flow and you change 1-2 times a day), I think this was the second factor. The Instead is hard around the circular base, and with the gas pushing down on my bladder, my insides were feeling pretty tight and cramped (it usually gets like that during my period anyway). I knew that the Instead was pushing on my urinal tract, but as usual, it was just easier to ignore it and hope for the best. I mean, who wants to wear a pad? Ew.

I was feeling a bit of tightness down there by this point... so of course, it was my duty to put it over the edge for a full blown UTI. The gas was driving me nuts by 4am, so I thought maybe if I sat on the toilet for a while, something would happen and everything would be better.

I sat on the toilet, waiting for a miracle to transpose, but no such luck. I decided to take matters into my own hands, and started pushing a little bit. You know, just to give my ass a little nudge and a wink... nothing happened. So I pushed some more, and here and there, I managed to muster out a little bit of flatulence here and there. Victory! So I decide to go for it and try to make myself actually 'go'. So I'm trying to make myself poop, even though my body was saying nope. This goes on for an hour or so.

Meanwhile, all of this pushing is smashing my Instead into my urinal tract, and every couple of minutes, a few drops of pee are leaking out as I am having my push session. Towards the end, I notice that my bladder is starting to burn, and nothing more than a few drops here and there are vacating my vagina.

After I get off the toilet to go to bed, my bladder, now fully irritated, is burning, and my urethra is aching to pee more. Finally, I've realized what I've brought on myself.

For the next few hours, I writhe around my bed in pain, unable to rest or do anything but think about peeing. At around 9am, I get in my shower and blast my abdomen with hot water hoping that some relief would come. I popped out my Instead, and let myself bleed out in the shower until the hot water runs out, and then go back to bed. I decide to not wear my Instead at this point because I'd much rather bleed all over my bed than be in the pain I am in.

The freezing cold of my room isn't helping much at this point, either. I turn up my heating blanket, and finally give in and set up my space heater. I watch HGTV for a few hours, hoping that I might be so interested that maybe I forget that I have to pee but the only word on my mind is PEE PEE PEE PEE PEE.

This is serious torture. I start downing bottles of water hoping that my bladder can fill up quickly so that I can get a good pee in, but for some reason, once your urinal tract is swollen inside, the most you can squeeze out is a trickle anyway.

Around noon, I suddenly realize that I had some Uristat that I had bought at Kaiser a year ago, so I dug it up, ate some stale bread, and popped my pills. Finally, relief. I laid down, and nodded in and out of sleep until 4pm, then got up and had a good long piss. This felt amazing for maybe 15 seconds, and then the burning resumed.

For the rest of my day, I continued downing water, and watched episode after episode of Design on A Dime and House Hunters. I kind of nodded in and out of sleep, while Josephine slept on my feet since I hadn't yet made the bed after her pee incident from the previous night.

I ordered in chicken fried rice from a chinese restaurant and took more Uristat, watched 'The Savages', and just now, ate some tortilla chips so that I could down a couple more Uristat.

I'm starting to feel better now, I'm hoping that I can sleep for a good 4 hours, and wake up without a throbbing vagina. Let this be a lesson to you... never take your piss for granted.